Dear Grandpa,
It has been too long. That's my fault. I thought that I could handle everything on my own for a while, but I realize now that I needed you more than I figured. I've changed. A LOT.
I lost my wallet yesterday, Grandpa, and I'm pretty sure someone took it. Mom is right, that I trust too much. I would never think of stealing anything because that's the way I was raised. If I saw $20 on the street, I would feel too uncomfortable using it and probably just donate it to a church or something like that. But there are too many people in this world that don't have those ethics and it's kind of like a slap in the face. Anyway, I could care less about the money that was in there, the debit card, or my license. Yes, it's a pain in the ass to lose them and I now have to go through all of these steps to get them back, but they're material things. I'm most upset that I don't have your prayer card, the one from your funeral. I had it in the back pocket, sticking out just a bit, so it always reminded me of you. There was a part of me that thought your grandpa-prayer-card-powers would lead me to my wallet and when it didn't, I felt like I lost you too. So I spent the day overwhelmed, stressed, and upset... until I felt you lift me up. I don't know how to feel it, but one second I'm so depressed and the next, I'm okay. I'm okay, Grandpa. You always know when exactly I need you, REALLY need you.
You might not know how much you actually help me, but the only way to explain it is through my poetic freak of nature way: now a days I haven't been myself. I'm like a train that strayed from the tracks; sometimes I'll hit a clear path, while other times, I am dodging and scraping things left and right. Then, like nothing, you throw me right back on track. I feel like me, better than me. I suddenly realize just how much I'm worth and how hard I should be working. I understand what it's like to love and lose. Most importantly, I become a little closer to you, my guardian angel.
Look, I could spend days writing to you about everything that has happened to me since I last talked to you, but none of that matters. What matters is that I'm your granddaughter again and I wont ever forget that. Thank you for making me whole again. I love you.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
PMS
Dear Grandpa,
PMS
Girls hate it, boys dread it, friends prepare for it. I know I have been PMSing because, hell, who else cryes to Melanie and Marko's dance routine on SYTYCD? I eat too much, I whine too much, I hate too much. It's pretty much a major downhill in every month of every year of every woman's menstrual life.
Grandpa, I know you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, but for all of the other ladies out there, I think you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about when I say that men PMS too! Maybe it's not the same time, or reason, but men have a tendency to get particularly needy, annoying, and emotional at least once every month. For example, Daddy got extremely mad today, with good reasons, but not good enough to get to the level of anger he did today. I'm pretty sure the two hours of traffic we sat in coming home is a good base of all of this anger, but this wouldn't be the first time he sat in that amount of traffic this month either. Also, where the feelings might simmer down the next day, he continues to hold grudges and walk around, thinking "I am totally on the right page here and the rest of the world is wrong."
I know what you're thinking, Grandpa: PMS is all in the science and I'm silly to think that boys PMS. Well, I think it has a lot to do with mother nature and I have a hard time thinking that she would make things so unfair (that combined with the fact that she is a woman!!) It might have a different name and different scientific reasoning, but the conclusion to this letter here is that boys PMS just like girls do. The end!
Love always,
Your granddaughter
P.S. Here is the dance routine just in case you're PMSing and feel the need to cry :)
PMS
Girls hate it, boys dread it, friends prepare for it. I know I have been PMSing because, hell, who else cryes to Melanie and Marko's dance routine on SYTYCD? I eat too much, I whine too much, I hate too much. It's pretty much a major downhill in every month of every year of every woman's menstrual life.
Grandpa, I know you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, but for all of the other ladies out there, I think you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about when I say that men PMS too! Maybe it's not the same time, or reason, but men have a tendency to get particularly needy, annoying, and emotional at least once every month. For example, Daddy got extremely mad today, with good reasons, but not good enough to get to the level of anger he did today. I'm pretty sure the two hours of traffic we sat in coming home is a good base of all of this anger, but this wouldn't be the first time he sat in that amount of traffic this month either. Also, where the feelings might simmer down the next day, he continues to hold grudges and walk around, thinking "I am totally on the right page here and the rest of the world is wrong."
I know what you're thinking, Grandpa: PMS is all in the science and I'm silly to think that boys PMS. Well, I think it has a lot to do with mother nature and I have a hard time thinking that she would make things so unfair (that combined with the fact that she is a woman!!) It might have a different name and different scientific reasoning, but the conclusion to this letter here is that boys PMS just like girls do. The end!
Love always,
Your granddaughter
P.S. Here is the dance routine just in case you're PMSing and feel the need to cry :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
It's not the end of the world
Dear Grandpa,
It's not the end of the world. Since Monday, when I was furious at my parents... and the world for being stupid, those 7 words have been repeating in my mind constantly. I'm not sure how they got into my head, but everytime I think of "It's not the end of the world," I relax. It feels like someone pulled the plug to all of the pressure that was rising in my chest and let it ooze and settle.
Thank you for helping me, Grandpa. Mom tells me that you always knew just what to say and do and I completely understand. I might not have believed in ghosts and angels before, but I believe in you.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
It's not the end of the world. Since Monday, when I was furious at my parents... and the world for being stupid, those 7 words have been repeating in my mind constantly. I'm not sure how they got into my head, but everytime I think of "It's not the end of the world," I relax. It feels like someone pulled the plug to all of the pressure that was rising in my chest and let it ooze and settle.
Thank you for helping me, Grandpa. Mom tells me that you always knew just what to say and do and I completely understand. I might not have believed in ghosts and angels before, but I believe in you.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Monday, August 15, 2011
Freedom rant
Dear Grandpa,
Before I start my rant, let me start by telling you this: I am a 20 year old girl who gets straight A's, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, barely parties, practically lives at home (even during college), and has been the most easy going college student a parent could ask for. Then again, you probably already know this.
So why am I being treated like a 15 year old! I feel like I am under house arrest because I have to ask if I can go into the city with her (I don't even know WHY I have to ask) only to be denied almost everytime. I can't go shopping by myself because I HAVE to spend time with Mom. Now, I can't even have friends over the house to hang out?! Give me a break. I am sick of being at home and, for once, I actually want to be a 20 year old... is that such a shocker?
I need to leave this house and, when I do, I'm not coming back for a while. All of this pulling me in business is just pushing me farther away and I need my space to grow.
Please help me, Grandpa.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Before I start my rant, let me start by telling you this: I am a 20 year old girl who gets straight A's, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, barely parties, practically lives at home (even during college), and has been the most easy going college student a parent could ask for. Then again, you probably already know this.
So why am I being treated like a 15 year old! I feel like I am under house arrest because I have to ask if I can go into the city with her (I don't even know WHY I have to ask) only to be denied almost everytime. I can't go shopping by myself because I HAVE to spend time with Mom. Now, I can't even have friends over the house to hang out?! Give me a break. I am sick of being at home and, for once, I actually want to be a 20 year old... is that such a shocker?
I need to leave this house and, when I do, I'm not coming back for a while. All of this pulling me in business is just pushing me farther away and I need my space to grow.
Please help me, Grandpa.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Stress
Dear Grandpa,
It has been a while since we've talked. I won't waste the time we have together to come up with excuses, just know that I'm sorry. I miss you so very much.
I have been so stressed out, Grandpa. Between all of the decisions I have to make, trying to make everyone happy, and preparing for my third year of school, I can't seem to think for myself. I always have to try to fix things and that can build up on a person. You're probably the only person I ever share all of my secrets to, be it through my prayers or through our letters. You have made mistakes and learned the consequences, you have seen me change from light-up sketchers to stiletto heels, you loved your family with all of your heart, but most of all, you are so much more than my grandpa. You listen until my voice is hoarse and let me figure out things on my own so I grow to be a better person. Most of all, Grandpa, you know all of me and still love me unconditionally; I feel it everytime I doubt myself.
So I'll tell you everything. I don't know if I'm making the right choices for my future, my heart, or my family. I am mad that Grandma wont come home to us and that Mom isn't pushing it hard enough. I feel trapped in my parent's expectations and I can't escape that feeling. I hate not knowing what the future will bring and hate hearing everyone to tell me to be patient. I don't know if I have all of the faith I need to push myself in school and my priorities have been flipped upside down. I wonder what it would be like to be drunk and I hate that I'm even considering that. I feel too old for my body and I am pressured to be older than I already am. I used to play the piano, or listen to music, or run until my knees could give out to clear my mind, but now, they all force me to analyze even more. Even Chris Brown can't give me advice on what to do and that has NEVER happened.
I wish I could hold your purple-veined hand and consume all of my thoughts with you; whether you are hungry, or tired, or cold, or comfortable. I wish I could write poems again. I wish I wouldn't look in the mirror and wish I had a face other than my own. I wish I stopped listening to such sad songs. I wish I could tell Mom that she needs to give me a little room to grow. I wish I ran to your room when Grandma called and called 911 as soon as I saw you instead of composing myself first.
I could have fixed you.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Venting
Dear Grandpa,
I guess it must be my time of the month because my emotions are like a freaking roller coaster. Either way, I need to talk to someone who isn't going to take sides, or use my venting time to vent to me, or just say something that isn't going to make me feel any better.
I think I have some super power where I can sense to the nth degree what someone is thinking, feeling, or planning. That being said, don't consider me a superhero because it's not like I have the power to snap my fingers and make everything better, I just have the burden of knowing too much. You know the saying, "no news is good news?" Well, I ALWAYS know.
So when parents argue, and IVF patients are pessimistic, and wives miss their lost ones, I understand how they're feeling even when I don't want to. I an older sister and I am a college student, but more than that, I am almost forced to be an adult when I just want to be a naive child. I wish I didn't listen or care so much, but it's who I am.
Strangely, though, whether my roller coaster cycle is going back up or the sun is finally shining through my window, I feel better telling you about this. It helps that someone is listening to me and feeling everything that I have to feel, for a change. I love my life and there is nothing I would change about the people in it, but sometimes I feel too overwhelmed. I need a "me" day.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
I guess it must be my time of the month because my emotions are like a freaking roller coaster. Either way, I need to talk to someone who isn't going to take sides, or use my venting time to vent to me, or just say something that isn't going to make me feel any better.
I think I have some super power where I can sense to the nth degree what someone is thinking, feeling, or planning. That being said, don't consider me a superhero because it's not like I have the power to snap my fingers and make everything better, I just have the burden of knowing too much. You know the saying, "no news is good news?" Well, I ALWAYS know.
So when parents argue, and IVF patients are pessimistic, and wives miss their lost ones, I understand how they're feeling even when I don't want to. I an older sister and I am a college student, but more than that, I am almost forced to be an adult when I just want to be a naive child. I wish I didn't listen or care so much, but it's who I am.
Strangely, though, whether my roller coaster cycle is going back up or the sun is finally shining through my window, I feel better telling you about this. It helps that someone is listening to me and feeling everything that I have to feel, for a change. I love my life and there is nothing I would change about the people in it, but sometimes I feel too overwhelmed. I need a "me" day.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Monday, June 20, 2011
Becoming a vet!
Dear Grandpa,
I've been trying to find my future job for so long, when all I really needed to do was look in my kitchen and become a child again. Sitting down on the hard granite floor and getting tackled by a massive black brute and a fuzzy little white blur reminds me of why I love animals (especially dogs) so much. They really do have a sixth sense and know when to nudge their wet nose in the palm of your trembling hand, or literally tackle you with love when you need a hug. Like I've told you before, animals devote their lives to you and are the only beings on this planet that will love you more than they love themselves.
Because of that, I want to try and become a vet again. It is the only job I've dreamed to do since I was little and the one I chose not to do because of one word... science. Science is struggling and scary and definitely doesn't come easy to me. Unlike writing a ten page essay or giving a twenty minute speech, science is the one subject that I avoided in college because of the trouble it gave me in high school. However, I feel like I owe it to myself and my dogs to put in every effort to becoming who I really want to be. I didn't think I would be able to ever become a vet without loving science, but maybe I haven't really been exposed to the right teachers or just didn't push myself hard enough. I know now that I can do whatever I set my mind to because, after this semester, I proved that I can start fresh in a new school, mid semester, and make dean's list!
I know that this won't be easy because I have so much work to catch up on. Not only do I have to take all of these intense bio courses, but I also have to accumulate 400 hours of volunteer work at vet hospitals. There are only 28 vet schools in the country and only 5 of them are within my kind of driving distance. Summer courses are definitely a must and I can't slack off during the school year, but I'm going to do my all. I have the patience and the passion to go into this career and I want to become the vet that I wanted to be forever.
I will work at the science with tutors and get extra help and tackle any hurdle that is thrown at me because the unrequited love I get in return from the animals is worth it. To my dogs, I am their world. It's time to make them mine.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
I've been trying to find my future job for so long, when all I really needed to do was look in my kitchen and become a child again. Sitting down on the hard granite floor and getting tackled by a massive black brute and a fuzzy little white blur reminds me of why I love animals (especially dogs) so much. They really do have a sixth sense and know when to nudge their wet nose in the palm of your trembling hand, or literally tackle you with love when you need a hug. Like I've told you before, animals devote their lives to you and are the only beings on this planet that will love you more than they love themselves.
Because of that, I want to try and become a vet again. It is the only job I've dreamed to do since I was little and the one I chose not to do because of one word... science. Science is struggling and scary and definitely doesn't come easy to me. Unlike writing a ten page essay or giving a twenty minute speech, science is the one subject that I avoided in college because of the trouble it gave me in high school. However, I feel like I owe it to myself and my dogs to put in every effort to becoming who I really want to be. I didn't think I would be able to ever become a vet without loving science, but maybe I haven't really been exposed to the right teachers or just didn't push myself hard enough. I know now that I can do whatever I set my mind to because, after this semester, I proved that I can start fresh in a new school, mid semester, and make dean's list!
I know that this won't be easy because I have so much work to catch up on. Not only do I have to take all of these intense bio courses, but I also have to accumulate 400 hours of volunteer work at vet hospitals. There are only 28 vet schools in the country and only 5 of them are within my kind of driving distance. Summer courses are definitely a must and I can't slack off during the school year, but I'm going to do my all. I have the patience and the passion to go into this career and I want to become the vet that I wanted to be forever.
I will work at the science with tutors and get extra help and tackle any hurdle that is thrown at me because the unrequited love I get in return from the animals is worth it. To my dogs, I am their world. It's time to make them mine.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
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